Wednesday, October 3, 2012

15 Steps to Becoming a Douchebag at the GABF

15 Steps to Becoming a Douchebag at the GABFYou're the greatest craft beer drinker of them all. You've been telling your friends that for years. And now you're going to the Great American Beer Festival in Denver Colorado and you plan on impressing everyone with your knowledge, your good looks, your quick mouth and being the life of the party. But how do you ensure that everyone will remember you at the GABF? Easy. Just follow these simple steps and you can't go right, er wrong that is.

Becoming the Biggest Douchebag at the GABF in 15 Simple Steps

Step One - Get really wasted before you get to the convention center. You're going to be drinking all night, better warm up for it. Just be cool when going through security and they'll never know you're liquored up.

Step Two - Don't bother eating anything before you go. Liquid nourishment is all you need and your stomach is going to be full of liquid anyway. You'll need as much stomach space for beer as possible. You can always bum a pretzel off the nerds with the necklaces later.

Step Three - Try as many samples as you can as fast as you can. You've only got a little over 4 hours to party and you want to get your money's worth right? You figure you'll need to drink at least 150 samples to break even. Shout out your total after each drink. See who else yells their total back.

Step Four - Everyone loves it when people drop their drinking glass. It's a hell of a lot of fun to yell when someone else's glass hits the floor. Be sure to yell as loud as possible when it happens. Better yet, try to knock other peoples glass out of their hands before they do it to you. Great fun!

Step Five - Water is for pussies! Why waste time drinking water? Beer is all the hydration you need. Besides, beer is over 90% water anyway right? Use water only for rinsing your mouth out after you hurl into the trash can next to the water station.

Step Six - When you finally get to the front of a long line at a popular brewery, ask to get a sample of every single beer they offer one after the other. Be sure to stand there and savor each drop before you ask for the next one. The people in line behind you plan to do the same thing - so better get em all while you're up there.

Step Seven - The volunteers at the festival are there for one reason and one reason only - to serve you and to get you your beer as soon as possible. If any of them try to under-serve you or won't give you more than an ounce at a time then yell for their supervisor and complain. The louder the better.

Step Eight - See all that nice free schwag sitting at the brewery tables? Get as much of it as you can. Let the other guys whine when they don't get any - they're losers anyway. That stuff sells well on eBay you know. Stickers, bottle openers, buttons, you name it - anything with a logo. Nab that stuff and sell it all. Or for more fun, be sure to plaster every signpost, wall and car window with those stickers on the way to all the after-parties.

Step Nine - Remember, your hometown brewery rocks and everyone else's beer sucks balls. Be sure to tell the volunteers and brewery reps how much their beer stinks compared to your favorite brewery.

Step Ten - ABVs are your friend. Get the most out of that sample and drink only the beers that are 8% alcohol by volume or higher. You want to get your money's worth and time is money, so go for as high ABV as you can get. Why waste time on low alcohol, you get plenty of that from your daily yellow fizzy beer.

Step Eleven - When they announce Last Call, use that as a signal to drink as much beer as you can in the last few remaining visits. Hit those tables with no lines and slam down as many as you can before they kick you out the door.

Step Twelve - Whoever in your group is the least drunk automatically becomes your designated driver. All of your friends think they drank as much as you. Wrong, you did because you rock. Be sure you drink more than them so that they can drive you home.

Step Thirteen - Why waste time in line waiting for just an ounce. Ask to borrow a volunteers t-shirt for a few minutes while they go on break and go behind the serving table and drink right from the tap. How cool is that? Act like you're filling a pitcher for the tables and chug out of the pitcher. Just be sure the volunteer supervisor isn't around.

Step Fourteen - Don't leave the festival until they kick you out and you can't find anymore beer. Then once you are outside, start celebrating as loud as possible. Let everyone know just how awesome you were at the GABF. There's a whole town of losers who didn't get tickets and want to know how the festival was. Be sure to tell them.

Step Fifteen - After the fest, be sure you collect your money from StubHub where you sold those 20 extra GABF tickets you snatched up before everyone else could. You sold them all for $250 bucks each and now have enough money to buy out even more tickets next year. Be sure to thank your buddy at TicketMaster for giving you the code that let you reserve tickets before they went on sale. Then brag about it on your awesome beer blog.

Got all this? Congrats! You're a Douchebag!

Final word: Obviously, you should strive to be just the opposite. This list was only meant as an example of what NOT to do at the GABF. Similarities to people you know are purely coincidental.

(Photo credit: Some douchebag stole it off of

Related articles:
- TicketMaster or Ticket Disaster? GABF sales hit snag.
- Falling Rock announces 2013 GABF events.
- GABF toasts the world's most diverse brewing nation.

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